My mother in law is banned internationally from playing poker, as she keeps all the chips on her shoulder!

I was out shopping the other day when I saw six women beating my mother in law up.  As I stood there and watched, her neighbour, who knew me, said, "Well, aren't you going to help?"  I replied, "No.  Six of them is enough".

My Father in Law was driving down the road and was pulled over by a policeman.  Walking up to my Father in Law's car, the policeman said, "Your wife fell out of the car five miles back."  My Father in Law replied, "Thank God for that, I thought I'd gone deaf!"

A man brings his dog into the vet and says, "Could you please cut my dog's tail off?"  The vet examines the tail and says, "There is nothing wrong.  Why would you want this done?"  The man replies, "My mother in law is coming to visit, and I don't want anything in the house to make her think that she is welcome!"

Q: What's the difference between a dead mother-in-law lying in the middle of the road, and a dead snake lying in the middle of the road?

A: There are skid marks in front of the snake!

A man returned home from the night shift and went straight up to the bedroom.  He found his wife with the sheet pulled over her head, fast asleep.  Not to be denied, the horny husband crawled under the sheet and proceeded to make love to her.  Afterward, as he hurried downstairs for something to eat, he was startled to find breakfast on the table and his wife pouring coffee.  "How'd you get down here so fast?" he asked.  "We were just making love!"  "Oh my God," his wife gasped, "That's my mother up there!  She came over early and had complained of having a headache.  I told her to lie down for a while."  Rushing upstairs, the wife ran to the bedroom.  "Mother, I can't believe this happened.  Why didn't you say something?"  The mother-in-law huffed, "I haven't spoken to that jerk for fifteen years, and I wasn't about to start now!"